I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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