Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
