we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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