i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
There's a naked man in my car right now.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Randomize
