pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
Randomize
