i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
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