my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
