I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
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