So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
