Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
Randomize
