remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
My ATM looks so different sober.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
I'm really busy with my period
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