im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
Randomize
