another moral hangover. fuck.
scale of 1-10 how well do I give head
5, but i have never had a 10. best was an 8 so if i grade you on a curve you are a 7. ish.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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