i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
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You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
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Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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