It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Randomize
