Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
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