i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
Randomize
