I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
