Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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