I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
