Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
Randomize
