OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Randomize
