yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
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I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
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I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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