he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
Randomize
