so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
Randomize
