Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
