Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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