A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
