I wish I could punch you in the face.
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
