I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Is it weird that we showed each other our pussy's and pointed out the good and bad things about each others??
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
