and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
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