So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
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