From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Randomize
