You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
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