You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
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