I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
Randomize
