what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Randomize
