I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
