Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Randomize
