ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
