I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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