I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
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