I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
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