my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
Don't EVER smell your tampon
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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