May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
The chlamydia really affected his face.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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