I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
