no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
I party with great urgency now.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
