the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Michael Bay diarrhea
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
I'm sobbing to NWA
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