I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
20 People Who Caught Their Significant Others Cheating and Hand Over Some Major Karma
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
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Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.