Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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