I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
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