John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
I miss vodka workout Fridays
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
