Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
And then my night got REAL pukey
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize
