My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
i voted for prop eight dipshit. more weddings = more CAKE.
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
