He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
