and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
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