he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Randomize
